Melvina bakes scones

Having binge watched Season 5 of the Great British Baking Show (I know, crazy, right? Me? A BAKING show? Scoff away!), I was inspired to make Mary Berry’s scones. The last time I made scones, it was literally a different century. As Berry is one of the GBBS judges, I tried her recipe. The ingredients were all in ounces and grams. I HAD TO DO MATH.

Instead of sultanas, because who the hell has sultanas around here, I don’t know, I used dried wild blueberries. I must say, they were magnificent. Served hot out of the oven, with real butter and lemon curd (I didn’t have clotted cream handy), I could close my eyes and think of England…

These are stupidly easy to make, so easy and fast, you could make them for breakfast every morning if you had enough people to eat them. YUM.

*I see you, ham slice

 

A new year

Baroness Elsa von Freytag-Loringhoven

My Baking Day costume. [Sebastian Droste]

I resolve to:

  • drink more tea
  • read more books
  • bake more from scratch
  • enjoy the silence
  • wear makeup colors other than blue and purple
  • wear more costumes that involve headdress
  • write something every day, even if only a sentence

 

 

 

 

 

Perfume Opaque

When I typed ‘perimenopause’ in my phone, it autocorrected to Perfume Opaque. I decided I liked this better than the word ‘perimenopause’.

I did not create this genre, there are others before me. Here are my personal contributions, inspired by these weird changes in my body over the last year or so. I don’t write poetry. These came to me in waves over two days, without much effort. Call it a lightning strike whim.

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Ah pregnancy scare!
Then hysteria laughter
at brown thready blood

Brown smudge underthings
Mark of dying ovaries
Only mutant eggs

“Everything must go!
An ovary firesale!”*
Says my uterus.

Warnings of dry sex
But, yay! No sign yet appears
Carry on, no lube!

Hot blast in my face
Is it mad joy to see you
Or just dying eggs?

Still can get it on
easily from kiss to fuck
without incident

Six week smear
Faint hint at an abortion
I won’t have to choose

*contribution by Sam Mills

 

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Daud un Düwel

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Chilling.

Chilling.


Daud un Düwel

I can’t even find a translation of this. The book’s illustrations are fantastic and I would love to know more about the story and the illustrator. And what are those little hoofed creatures up to? Owls are another recurrent motif. The mood of this particular image is almost downright playful. Click through for the original source and more images.

[Illustrator, August Heumann]

Think piece on butts.

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ImageConsider the butt. There is no question that the hind quarters of mammals are actually butts, but considerable thought and careful study is required to determine if cephalopods, reptiles, or fish have butts. Not every living creature can have a butt. We are not living in an equal opportunity butt ecosystem. That is, not yet. Emerging technology has started stepping up to fulfill the butt-deficit in the animal kingdom.

Invertebrates are considerably challenged in this area. Current research has been halted because the biologists cannot determine where their butts are. This has created an enormous challenge for both scientists and armchair buttologists alike. Whether or not they should organically manufacture butts in petri dishes for invertebrates or use the new 3-D printing technology to create implants has become a divisive issue.Image

We must consider that the butt is not just a topographical feature on a body. The robust discourse that surrounds its beauty and appeal is a compelling argument for its inclusion in the performing arts. Or decorative arts. Butts can provide endless entertainment beyond their function, but they are certainly a blank canvas for many an artist.

ImageAll creatures deserve to have butts and if butts can be more clearly identified in non-mammals, the advances in science and technology will skyrocket. A newly formed non-profit organization called Butts For All Creatures has emerged to fulfill this need. Every time you think about butts and how convenient yours is and how easily accessible butts are, consider the butt deficit and how it impacts your future. Consider donating money or even portions of your own butt, if you have any to spare. It can save a life or create another butt. And that’s good for all of us.